VISITOR # 
WHICH CAME FIRST...?
HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED HOW THEY GET ALL THE CHOCOLATE INSIDE THAT THIN SHELL? AND WHO'S THE GENIUS WHO PRINTS THE 'M's ON 'EM...? EVER CONTEMPLATE AN EGG? WHY DO THEY COME IN DIFFERENT SIZES? AND WHO DECIDES IF THEIR GRADE ' A '...? HAVE YOU EVER SEEN AN EGG THAT WASEN'T GRADE ' A'...? DO THEY HAVE GRADE ' B ' OR GRADE ' Z '...? HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO FRY A SCRAMBLED EGG? WHY'D THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? WHY WOULD A CHICKEN EVEN BE ON A ROAD...? THESE AND OTHER QUESTIONS WILL BE ANSWERED, BUT NOT IN THIS SKIT...
ENTER FOGHORN, THE KING OF THE ROOST... THE HAM WHAT AM, THE CHICKEN OF THE SEA... WAIT A MINUTE, THAT HAS A DIRECT REFERENCE TO CERTAIN ALBACORE... ANYWAY, A SKINNY LEGGED POSER WITH AN OVER ACTIVE PECKER... [no sally, I'm speaking about the one on his face]... WHO'S JUST ABOUT TO BLOW HIS ON HORN.. [uh! not that horn].. BUT FIRST A FEW WORDS FROM DOWN UNDER....
DID OLD McDONALD EVEN HAVE A FARM...?
...EGGAMAN... MAN, THIS IS THE LIFE!... ALL THE WARMPTH ONE COULD ASK FOR, NO RESPONSIBILITIES AND AS MUCH FOOD AS A BODY COULD TAKE IN...
EGGBERT... [trying to escape his shell]... HOW DO I GET OUDDA HERE...?
EGGAMAN... [turning to his sibling]... WHATTA YOU THINK, PECKER FACE...?
EGGBERT... WHAT...?
EGGAMAN... IS THIS THE LIFE 'R WHAT...?
EGGBERT... AW! IT'D BE ALRIGHT... IF THERE WEREN'T SUCH A ENORMOUS ASS SQUATIN' ON US ALL A TIME...
EGGAMAN... YER TALKIN' ABOUT 'CHA MAMA DUFFAS...
EGGBERT... SO?... FIGURE OUT WHA'CHA GONE BE WHEN YOU GROW UP EGGA?
EGGAMAN... GONNA BE JUS' LIKE MY DADDY... GONNA BE THE KING OF THE ROOST... GONNA DO NUTTIN' ALL DAY BUT CROW AN' POKE HENS' ALL A TIME... WHATTA 'BOUT SHOE...?
EGGBERT... MAYBE BE SOMEBODY'S BACK DOOR MAN...
EGGAMAN... AIN'TCHA GONNA CROW?... DO SOME WORLD SHAKIN''...?
EGGBERT... I'LL LEAVE THAT MACHO CRAP TO CLUCKS LIKE YOU...
EGGAMAN... WHADDA PAL...!
MEANWHILE, ABOVE THE FEATHERS...
CHICKY... (pecking on the door)... c'mon you 'lil farts, I got places to scratch..
HENRIETTA... (strolling up)... OH GIRL... I'D BE SO PROUD TO BE IN YOUR CONDITION...
CHICKY... (still pecking)... WELL, YOU CAN HAVE IT...!
HENRIETTA... REALLY...?
CHICKY... (giving up).. THIS MAKES MY ELEVENTH GO AROUND AND EACH TIME IS MORE BORING THEN THE LAST... I WANNA GET OUT, SCRATCH AROUND... DO THE FARM...!
HENRIETTA... DONT'CHA KNOW? THAT'S WHAT GOT YOU IN THIS SITUATION TO BEGIN WITH...
CHICKY... NOW YOU TELL ME...!
ENTER OUR HERO...
CHICKY... YOU AUGHTA KNOW YOU BIG WIND BAG, YOUR THE CLUCK WHO CAUSED ALL THIS...
FOGHORN... I KNOW... AN' I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE ENCORE... OKAY LADIES!... [gesturing]... HUP!.. HUP!.. HUP...!
HENRIETTA... [to the girls as they march out single file]... DON'TCHA HATE IT WHEN HE SEZ THAT...?
AS THEY PILE OUT, TWO BOVINES CONVERSE...
ELSIE... I DECLARE GIRL... WHY WOULD YOU EVER WANNA BE A CHICKEN...?
BESS... HAVEN'T YOU NOTICED? THEY DON'T HAVE TO CHEW ON CUD ALL THE LIVE LONG DAY...
ELSIE... [popping her cud]... I LIKE MY CUD...
BESS... QUIT SMACKING GIRL!
ELSIE... BUT IT'S GOOD CHAW...
BESS... NOR DO THEY POSSESS OVER-GROWN UDDERS THAT HANG TO THE GROUND...
ELSIE... [looking down]... THEIR NOT LIKE THAT ALL THE TIME...
BESS... WHATTA YOU TALKIN' ABOUT...?
ELSIE... ONLY WHEN THEIR FULL...
BESS... AND THEY DON'T HAVE TO GIVE MILK...
ELSIE... [still popping]... WE'RE BOVINES SWEETIE... THAT'S WHAT WE GET PAID FOR...
BESS... PAID FOR? WE DON'T GET PAID... WHERE'D YOU GET THAT IDEA...?
ELSIE... HEARED SOMEBODY SAY IT IN THE RANKS... SOUNDED RIGHTEOUS, THOUGHT I'D USE IT...
BESS... WELL IT WOULDN'T BE SO BAD IF IT WEREN'T FOR THOSE DAMN COLD HANDS...
SUDDENLY A BODACIOUS ODOR ENTERS THE CONVERSATION...
BILLY... [from his stall]... QUIT'CHA NAGGIN' YOU WALKIN' MILK FACTORY...
BESS... [looking around]... WHO SAID THAT...?
ELSIE... BILL GOAT OVER THERE...
BESS... WHATTA DUDE... JUST LOOK AT HIM... THAT STOOPID GOATEE, THE WAY HE STRUTS...
ELSIE... AND THE SMELL... DON'T FORGET THE SMELL...
BESS... DON'T GET ME GOIN' ON THAT GIRL... WHY, HE DON'T EVEN HAVE A TAIL TO HIDE THAT SILLY LOOKIN' ASS HOLE OF HIS AND HE'S GOT THE NERVE TO NEEDLE US...
ELSIE... YOU KNOW IT GIRL... AND THOSE BALLS.. I WONDER WHY THEIR SO LARGE...?
BESS... AND THE COLORATION... WHAT DO HE THINK HE IS? A BLASTED CIRCUS CLOWN...?
ELSIE... I'M GUESSIN' IT'S TO COMPENSATE FOR SUCH A 'LIL DING...
BESS... NOT LIKE OUR BUSTER WHO'S PROPORTUNATE TO HIS SIZE... THIS GUY LOOKS LIKE SOME KINDA PIGMY...
BILLY... I AM A PIGMY YOU STOOPID WOMAN...!
BESS... NO SURPRISE THERE...
BILLY... WHATTA YOU MEAN? WHY, I'VE A MIND TO....
.... at this time a human appears and begins tossing corn on the ground..
WAAAY OVER BY THE STY, A HAWG GRUMBLES...
PORKUS... WONDER WHY WE'RE ALWAYS THE LAST TO BE FED 'LIL BUDDY...?
HOAGY... [from a safe distance]... PROBLY 'CAUSE YOU SMELL LIKA OUTHOUSE GOOSE BREATH...
PORKUS... [mortified]... AIN'T BEEN NO COMPLAINTS TILL NOW...
HOAGY... ain't nobody down wind from you ceptin' me...
PORKUS... SAY WHAT...?
HOAGY... (trying to change the subject)... WONDER WHEN SHE'S GONE FEED US..?
PORKUS... PROB'LY LAST, AS USUAL...
HOAGY... WHA'CHU THANK SHE'S GONE FEED US THIS DAY...?
PORKUS... MOST LIKELY A MESS 'O SLOP...
HOAGY... SLOP? IS 'AT A FOOD...?
PORKUS... IT'S A FOOD WHAT NOBODY ELSE WANTS...
HOAGY... SOUNDS SPECIAL...
... meanwhile, not far away and just out of smell range...
RONALD... MAN, WAITIN' AROUND THIS DUMP TO EAT IS LIKE GOIN' ON A HUNGER STRIKE...
CHEEZER... LET'S CHECK OUT THE BARN...
HYMIE... YEAH, THERE'S ALWAYS LOOSE MORSELS IN THERE...
BOHUNK... BUT WHADDA 'BOUT...?
RONALD.. (as hymie covers bohunk's gob)... WHATTA 'BOUT WHAT, HUNK...?
CHEEZER... (lest hunk spills the beans)... THE CAT.. UH, I THINK I SAW HIM GO IN THERE A MINUTE AGO...
RONALD... CATS DON'T SCARE ME...
HYMIE... YA' THANK...?
RONALD... JUST GODDA USE REVERSE PSYCOLOGY...
BOHUNK... WHASSAT...?
RONALD... FOLLOW ME AND I'LL SHOW YOU...
CHEEZER... (as they lam)... beats starvin' around here...
... BEING AS QUITE AS A MOUSE, THE FOURSOME INCHES PAST OLD LADY McDONALD THEN HEAD TOWARD THE BARN AND WHAT MAY BE THEIR NEXT MEAL.. THAT IS, UNLESS RONNIE'S WRONG WHICH WOULD MAKE HIM THE MEAL BUT NO MATTER SINCE THEY HAVE A PLAN IN ANY CASE.. IN THE MEANTIME THE REST OF THE CRITTERS GATHER AROUND FOR YET ANOTHER PEP TALK FROM THEIR MISTRESS...
THE HUMAN SPEAKS...
MARTHA... [giving them her daily pep talk]... LISTEN UP YOU BARNYARD MIS-FITS...!
FOGHORN... [following the human and interpreting her meaning in fowl language]... HEAR YE!.. HEAR YE!.. HEAR YE! OUR MISTRESS SPEAKS...
CLUCKIE... WHAT'S HE DOIN'...?
CHICKIE... ACTING LIKE WE CAN'T UNDERSTAND HER...
MARTHA... STOP YOUR CROWIN' ROOSTER...
HENRIETTA... THAT'S TELLIN' HIM GIRL...!
MARTHA... [as she tosses the corn]... NOW EVERYBODY LISSEN UP...TODAY'S GRAIN COMES FROM MA AND PA'S FEED STORE... IT'S GOOD EATIN' AND NOT CHEAP, THEREFORE I EXPECT A LARGE QUOTA OUTTA ALL YOU LAYERS AN' MILKERS.. AS FOR THE REST OF YOU NON-PRODUCTIVE FREE LOADERS, KEEP MY PRODUCERS HAPPY YA' HEAR...!
CLUCKIE... [clucking to the girls]...THAT OLD BIDDY! WHAT RIGHT'S SHE GOT IN ORDERIN' US AROUND...?
BESS... SHE'S THE HUMAN WHO FEEDS US...
PETEY... [a peacock]... STILL... AIN'T NO SENSE IN BROW BEATIN' EVERBODY...
BILLY... YEAH! WHO DO SHE THANK SHE IS...?
FOGHORN.. IT'S A GOOD THING SHE CAN'T UNDERSTAND US OR WE'D ALL BE ON SUNDAY'S MENU...
SUDDENLY, FROM THE COOP...
CHICKY... LOOK!.. LOOK!.. LOOK WHAT I DID...!!
HOAGY... [from the sty]... THE OLD GIRL MUST'VE BINGO'D...
PORKUS... BIG DEAL!... MORE MOUTHS TO FEED...
HOAGY... QUIT'CHA NAGGIN'... WE DON'T HAVE TO FEED 'EM...
PORKUS... NO, BUT IT'S THAT MUCH LONGER FOR OUR GRUB...
presently two baby chicks amble out through the cracks in the barn ...
EGGBERT... OOOH WEEE! LOOKY AT ALL THEM UGLY CRITTERS CLODDIN' AROUND EGGA...
EGGAMAN... KINDA MAKES ME WISH I'D STAYED IN MY SHELL...
EGGBERT... [checking out the goat]... THINK WE'RE GONNA GROW UP TO LOOK LIKE.. [pointing].. THAT,'LIL BUDDY...?
EGGAMAN... I HOPE NOT! IT'D BE A SHAME TO HAVE MORE THEN ONE CRITTER AS UGLY AS THAT CRAWLIN' AROUND IN THE DIRT.
EGGBERT... TAKE A GANDER AT THEM THINGS DANGLIN' THERE BETWEEN IT'S HIND LEGS... WHAT ARE THEY...?
EGGAMAN... DON'T KNOW... HOPE THEY AIN'T BABIES...
EGGBERT... WHY...?
EGGAMAN... 'CAUSE WE'D PROBLY BE EXPECTED TO PLAY WITH 'EM...
as martha returns to the farm house, a skuffle breaks out in the barn ....
KATMANDU... AN' I'M TELLIN' YOU IT AIN'T NATURAL...!
RONALD... BUT I CAN'T HELP IT... I LOVE YOU...
KAT... WOULD YOU CUT IT OUT...!
RONALD... FOR YOU I'LL DO IT... [looking around]... GOTTA KNIFE...?
KAT... HUH? WHAT FOR...?
RONALD... SO I CAN CUT MY HEART OUT FOR YOU...
KAT... WHY YOU WANNA BE LIKE 'AT...?
RONALD... BECAUSE... [a pause]... I LOVE YOU...KAT... DONT'CHA GET IT? I'M A CAT AN' YOUR A RAT... IT JUS' AIN'T NATURAL I TELL YA'...
RONALD... THEN EAT ME... GO HEAD! EAT THE ONLY CREATURE IN THE WORLD WHO GIVES A SQUAT ABOUT YOU...
KAT... [pondering]... WHY YOU GODDA MAKE THINGS SO COMPLICATED FOR...?:
RONALD... I CAN'T HELP IT... I'M IN LOVE...!
KAT... AN' ANOTHER THANG... I AIN'T NO FEMALE...!
RONALD... [waving it off]... A MERE TECHNICALITY...
KAT... A TECHNICALITY! ARE YOU SURE YOUR FROM THIS PLANET...?
RONALD... TELL YOU WHAT... YOU TAKE MY LIKENESS DOWN AND I'LL BELAY MY LOVE FOR YOU...
KAT... BUT, I CAN'T GO AG'IN MY MASTER...
RONALD... THERE'S NOBODY IN THIS BARN WHO'D PAY ATTENTION TO IT ANYWAY...
KAT... I DON'T KNOW... MASTER SAID HE GOT THREE INQUIRIES JUST LAST NIGHT...
RONALD... WHAT! WHO'D STAB ME IN THE BACK LIKE THAT...?
KAT... I DEN'T RECOGNIZE 'EM...
RONALD... WELL WHAT'D THEY LOOK LIKE? MAYBE I'LL KNOW 'EM...
KAT... CAN'T TELL YA'...
RONALD... WHY? YOU MADE SOME KIND SECRET PACT WITH 'EM...?
KAT... NO...
RONALD... YOUR MASTER MAKE YOU SIGN A DISCLAIMER...?
KAT... NO...
RONALD... THEN WHY! WHY CAN'T YOU TELL ME...?
KAT... THEIR BACKS WAS TURNED...
RONALD... [fuming]... DAMN...!
KAT... BUT I THANK THEY WAS FROM OUDDA TOWN...
RONALD... WHATTA YOU MEAN, OUTTA TOWN...?
KAT... WELL, IT'S BEDDER'N SAYIN' YOU ALL LOOK ALIKE...
RONALD... BUT WE DON'T...!
KAT... yeah! right...!
WHATTA YOU MEAN, YEAH ! RIGHT...!
KAT... OH, NUTHIN'...
RONALD... ANYWAY, EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT MOUTH BREATHER WON'T KEEP HIS WORD...
KAT... ALL I KNOW IS HE BOUGHT A EXTRA JAR O' PEANUT BUDDER AN HE'S NOT EATIN' IT...
RONALD... IT'S A PROP! A CARROT DANGLIN' OVER A FEW DUMB ASSES' HEADS...
KAT... WELL I GODDA DO SUMTHIN'... NOW I GOT'CHU I CAN'T JUST LET'CHA GO...
RONALD... THEN EAT ME!... [laying down]... GO AHEAD, DO YOUR WORST... [putting a grape in his mouth]...
KAT... [a long pause]... DAMMIT...!
ROANLD... [taking the grape out of his mouth]... WHAT...?
KAT... [conceding]... I... [slumping]... CAN'T DO IT...
RONALD... [getting up]... AND THE WANTED POSTER...?
KAT... [leaving]... THE POSTER'S GODDA STAY...